Why Do So Many People Fear CLOSENESS and INTIMACY?
Fear of intimacy is an often deep-seated and unconscious fear of closeness. In close relationships it can secretly sabotage your emotional life. The cause is thought to be various fears and imprints from childhood. Once you are aware of these connections, you can work with your fears, free yourself emotionally and free yourself from blame in the partnership. In this article we introduce you to why many people are afraid of intimacy.
First, let's answer the question:
How exactly does fear of closeness and intimacy manifest itself?
Recognizing this fear as such is not always easy for a layman. We are aware of other fears, such as the loss of a job or financial upset; we can also clearly feel mistrust. But then you are in what should be a happy relationship, and suddenly you are haunted by strange feelings and thoughts. The typical behavior from fear of closeness includes defensiveness aimed at the partner, feelings of inferiority or that the partner doesn’t pay enough attention to you, or feeling unloved, and also diffuse and unreal fears about the future. The feelings can be oppressive, acute, or show up as a kind of agonizing emptiness. Occasionally one partner compensates for these feelings by always giving more and wanting to shower the other with love, the other then tends to withdraw due to inner doubts. Typically, both are affected in a relationship. There is usually no good reason for the bouts of discomfort and problems. Very often they appear out of nowhere, just when everything is joyful and harmonious. Reflective and insightful people can recognize these mechanisms and identify them for what they are. In a partnership characterized by love, both can deal constructively with such hurdles. People who are not so capable of personal insight, on the other hand, sometimes remain a plaything of their hidden behavior patterns throughout their lives.
What is behind this fear?
Basically, hidden negative attitudes are behind this phenomenon. The admiration and love of a partner can violently trigger self-doubt. Although you may be happy on the surface, the gnawing feelings remain in the depths. Shortly after you are handed the bouquet of flowers, the joy fades, and then the inner manipulators go to work. Is he just trying to bribe me with the flowers? Has he possibly deceived me? Why didn't I get flowers earlier? Diffuse, stuck or oppressive feelings can be accompanied by a secret assumption that the flowers and love are all a sham. Of course, fear of intimacy does not only affect women, men are at least as often affected. Typical for gentlemen are doubts and mistrust after a confession of love by their partner. Did she really mean it? What does she want? Or the man looks in the mirror and wonders if it's really him. Maybe you know people who reject gifts, reject anything beautiful or celebratory, even compliments. These are people who, deep down, are convinced they don't deserve these valuable things. On the outside, it may seem that the partner's behavior triggers these defenses and fears. As the person affected, you may initially think that there is something wrong with your counterpart. But it is you yourself, you and your inner manipulators. If you take a sober look at the trigger situations, you will realize that most of the story only takes place in your head. Negative beliefs about ourselves are based on deep-seated feelings that we have stored in early childhood. It’s particularly children who have not received full care and loving support who develop inner images of being unlovable or so-called "wrong". If rejections or reprimands by parents are not followed by compensatory and uplifting actions, these beliefs become entrenched. Interestingly, in later life we look for exactly those partners who carry the compensating counter-injuries. Our parents only acted as they did because they experienced lesser care and support themselves as children. The partner and the pain are the healing triggers that invite us to face these old hurts. And even though many adults are convinced that their personality and emotional life are irrevocable traits, this is a mistake. These unconscious structures can be dissolved and replaced by new loving attitudes. In a relationship, both must basically bring the willingness to deal with these old hurts. If one refuses to deal with problems, on the other hand, it becomes difficult for the other partner. Such relationships are doomed to fail or continue in a very unsatisfying way.
How does the fear of intimacy continue to have an effect?
If these mechanisms remain unresolved, a relationship may well work, but not be permanently fulfilling. Tensions and misunderstandings keep building up due to the inner conflicts. Typical reactions and behaviors include withholding affection and withdrawing, indifference or rejection, increasing distrust of the partner, constant criticizing and carping, infidelity, and searching for better partners.
How can you overcome the fear of intimacy?
Inner beliefs about ourselves can be ferreted out. A whole range of methods are suitable for this, for example self-help books on the subject, discussion groups, sessions with a psychological counselor, couples coaching or couples therapy, or even hypnosis therapy. Sometimes people remember certain things spontaneously as soon as they become aware of the connections. They see themselves as a child again, remember the pain, abandonment fears and self-doubt. This can already set the solution in motion. However, despite “a-ha” experiences and comprehensive therapies, the problems never disappear in one fell swoop. Relationships and people are dynamic systems. It is important to stay on the ball and exchange ideas within a relationship. By the way, working on self-image not only has a positive effect on the love relationship; people with strong inner doubts and fears usually also have to deal with disadvantages at work or in their entire social life, and conquering your self-image can improve these.
But what does healthy love look like?
The German artist Nena expressed it beautifully in her 2005 song "Love is": "Love shall not, love fights not, love will not, love is, love seeks not, love asks not, love is as you are." Of course, this doesn't mean that a relationship doesn't involve struggle or work at times. But the feeling of love is actually just there, or it isn’t. To truly heal relationships and love, it is much more often necessary to leave something out than to add to it. When you simply let go of the doubts and fears, the feeling of unconditional love emerges underneath. This feeling, which costs nothing, is not difficult and does not need to be generated – it is first and foremost for yourself. When you are that support for yourself, love for others then happens all by itself. So it’s worthwhile to fundamentally explore your own life and attitude towards love and partnership. A healthy ability to love heals the attitude towards life as a whole, provides relaxed serenity and inner peace. That's it for today.