Strong Feelings Not to Be Confused With Love!
Is it love or not? Ever since we humans have been able to express our feelings, one central question has been driving us, sometimes to the brink of madness: What is love? The question also has variations. When is it love? And: Why can't it be love? Music, poetry and the fine arts would not be the same if the most powerful feeling in the world did not drive us and occupy us with all our senses and surfaces to the point of ecstasy. The brightest minds of all cultures through the centuries have dealt with the subject of love. Even the philosophers in the 21st century are not yet a decisive step further, unless one is satisfied with Richard David Precht, who attests to love being a so-called disorderly feeling. In fact, according to modern science, it takes only a few seconds to fall in love with someone. Loving her or him, however, is then not necessarily the consequence. What we think of as love is often just wishful thinking, which has nothing in common with a romantic idea of a relationship between two people. Sometimes we are simply on the wrong track, emotionally. We confuse our needs, needs our newest flame fulfills perfectly, with love. In this article we'll introduce you to the three most common great feelings that are sometimes mistaken for love.
1. The need for stability and security.
Ideally, love is a safe haven for both partners. A strong shoulder to lean on, a helping hand that is always within reach and back-up in stormy times. We desire and long for nothing less. It is therefore only logical that we confuse the feeling of security that another person gives us with love. As long as the relationship fits and both sides are happy, there is nothing wrong with it. Even if, strictly speaking, emotionally you have taken the wrong exit, this path can still be the beginning of a beautiful journey together for both sides. Until the beginning of the 20th century, the romantic love affair was a myth, anyway, and at best a fictional story borrowed from trashy novels. Marriage and family had the main task of providing security and stability, and that for both parties. Not all of these marriages of convenience were happy, and divorce was still frowned upon or not easily enforced legally at the time. But the majority of these unions worked and provided both partners with just that: a sense of security. So it's not surprising that this need still strongly drives and shapes us when we're looking for a partner. Longing for someone who can offer us a safe fortress in the rough and tumble of everyday life is not wrong, it's just that it’s not love.
2. Wanting to own someone.
Love and control are two things that are often confused, but they also often go hand in hand. Relationships are ideally a balancing act in which both partners act on equal footing with each other. Nevertheless, there are people who always strive for more power than others. This even goes so far that they absolutely want to have people for themselves in whom, strictly speaking, they have no romantic interest at all, not even an erotic interest. How does this happen? It's been the same game since childhood: you find him or her irresistible. Competitive people, who can't miss an opportunity to prove that they are better than the others, see this as a playing field. They set off in pursuit of the object of desire and do not rest until the prey has been successfully hunted down. After this sense of achievement, however, they quickly lose interest. This wanting-to-have is a phenomenon that repeatedly drives many people without respite. The psychological aspects behind this sandbox behavior cannot be explained in terms of the watering-can principle. The fact is that these people can rarely enter into relationships that make them happy and fulfilled in the long run. Of course, the collateral damage they cause to their unsuspecting victims is particularly painful. They usually don't know what's happening to them, especially since the courting phase is often quite intense and cinematic, following all the rules of the art of seduction. But nobody deserves to be dropped like the proverbial hot potato, and this behavior has nothing to do with love.
3. Desire and passion.
They are two elements without which love would probably not last in the long run. However, they are not the only pillars on which a romantic relationship is built. They probably shouldn't even be the focus, but first things first: studies have now been able to impressively prove that we can feel physically attracted to another person within just a few seconds. Our sense of smell, our sense of hearing, and a number of behavioral patterns from our childhood play a role in this. After ten minutes of physical contact with another person, our metabolism begins to release the bonding hormone oxytocin. After only a short period of physical intimacy, we feel so close to a previously complete stranger that we no longer want to be without him or her. Incidentally, this mechanism is also the reason why so many failed relationships are preceded by a longer erotic dry spell. But in the end, they fail not because the great passion is no longer there, but because the bonding hormone oxytocin no longer gets a chance to flood our bodies and signal to us a close bond with our partner. So lust and passion are essentially biochemical processes within our bodies. But they can be a good start. Many a relationship actually has its origins in a passionate one-night stand or lustful affair. These feelings don’t even play in the same league as love, however.
Today’s Conclusion
What is love? This question will probably occupy us humans for as long as we’re here. It will not become any easier because there are so many forms of it. A mother's love for her child, for example, the love of music or art that can fill us and drive us to emotional heights, the love between two old people who have spent most of their lives together and still enjoy each other. Is love a force of heaven? Probably so; after all, that would be a plausible explanation for why we humans cannot comprehend it with our minds or explain it with our vocabulary. In relationships, it is ultimately the bond that holds us together and lets us get through ups and downs together. It is not invulnerable and there is no guarantee for it. However, anyone who imagines love to mean grand gestures and earth-shattering scenes will be disappointed. Like all great powers, it likes to operate in silence. It thrives on gratitude and respect and, above all, on the appreciation we show for its existence in our lives every day. That's it for today.