Never Say THIS! THIS Poisons Love!
A spoken word and a thrown stone cannot be taken back. What once left our mouth is simply a reality. Denial would then be futile. Especially in the heat of a war of words, we are quick to say things we are sorry for afterwards. Some things we will be forgiven for, some will remain anchored in the memory of our loved ones like a poisonous arrow. Verbal slips happen in every relationship. We humans can't help it. Sometimes our temperament and our feelings get the better of us. Here we would like to introduce you to 8 truly toxic verbal messages that relationships suffer from time and again.
1. I'm done with you
Threats are not a nice thing, and certainly not in relationships. Threatening to break up with our partners in the course of an argument is like issuing an ultimatum. No matter what the argument is about, calling the entire relationship into question is not a sign of emotional maturity. Such threatening gestures are doubly toxic and unwise. They throw down the gauntlet to the other side, but are usually not followed by action. And so it comes to the empty threat "I'm done with you". This message is always deeply hurtful. We cut the emotional ribbon that has bound us together up to this point. In our minds, we pull the ripcord and give our partners the feeling of being expendable. We degrade them to objects that can be replaced at any time, and subliminally it is exactly this message that gets through to the other end.
2. You'll get over it.
You might as well say, "Get a grip." Such words may not be ill-intentioned at all, but reflect more helplessness. Not all people have the natural talent to offer comfort to others. Men in particular are sometimes simply overwhelmed by the task of cheering up crying or desperate women. The result is often comments like these. "You'll get over it" may translate to => "It's no big deal, we'll get through it." But the right words are sometimes missing at the crucial moment. At the other end of this conversation, this creates the impression of not being taken seriously. The problem is dismissed as a trifle. In this way, we show our better halves that we are not behind them when it counts. Even if this is not the case, between the lines this is the message they receive.
3. You are crazy
Implying mental insanity on the part of your partner has never helped any relationship. Even if this sentence in the heat of the moment was not meant in such a way, it crosses a border. We always resort to such verbal poison darts when we feel backed into a corner. This means: there is a grain of truth in what we have just dismissed as crazy. The wilder we begin to lash out, even just with words, the closer to the truth our comrades-in-arms are. It is therefore no coincidence that "You're crazy!" is one of the standard responses of notorious cheaters when asked about their affairs. There are rules to follow even in arguments. Common decency does not automatically fly out the window because emotionality escalates and the anger in the belly can no longer be tamed. But attacks that go into the realm of the personal are inadmissible here as well. A person's mental and physical health should never be used as a weapon against them.
4. You are much too sensitive
This is a phrase that narcissists and other manipulative contemporaries like to use when you get on their case. They want you to think that the reason for the argument is due to your imagination or hypersensitivity. Besides, these power people suggest in such a way that others would react here completely differently, much cooler and more calmly. One blames the other person with these words. Automatically, a person's character becomes his or her flaw. If we hear this accusation over and over again, at some point we ourselves believe that the fault lies with us and our sensitivity. This tactic belongs to the broad spectrum of gaslighting, an unfortunately very popular and widespread form of mind-game manipulation.
5. Just forget it
Forgive and forget is often the quintessence of happiness or at least satisfaction in partnerships. However, in the context of an argument, we signal something completely different with these words. Just forget it translates to "You don't understand me anyway. So let's just drop it. This is just costing us energy, nerves and time." With this sentence we deny our partners the ability to understand our request correctly. We throw these words at our counterpart in anger and full of disappointment. But they still have their poisonous effect.
6. You are like your mother or father.
No matter who is used as a comparison, such accusations are rarely flattering. First, what can a person do about where their gene pool is headed? Of course, we are partly like mother or father. That is in the nature of things. Secondly, in what way can we blame anyone? This verbiage is pointless and does not bring any discussion to the next level, let alone closer to a solution. The people concerned, however, feel hurt and attacked. Why? A secret was once shared here. A partner confessed to their better half that they just can't stand this or that quality in a parent or family member. Perhaps there were also constant conflicts with this one person. Pressing this very button in an argument, knowing full well that you are waving a red rag here, is disingenuous and represents a breach of trust.
7. Everything is "always" or "never".
There are 2 words that add a toxic level of severity to any innocuous statement. The difference is only one word in each case, but this one packs a punch. There is a world of difference between "You didn't clean out the dishwasher" and "You never clean out the dishwasher". The first version is about the here and now. And yes, it is indeed still about the dishwasher. In the "never" version, we suggest to our partners that they deny us any assistance. But it gets worse. Never also includes the future. So we don't even reckon that there will be any improvement in sight. Never and always write off the relationship.
8. The cold shoulder
The negative highlight of our toxic communication is icy silence. The only thing worse than toxic words is no words at all. When partners no longer dignify us with a response, they banish us to the cold shoulder. They deprive us of any opportunity to justify or defend ourselves. Like supplicants, we have to wait until the passive aggressive drawbridge is lowered again and we are allowed to enter again. This tactic is grueling and can also be brilliantly downplayed because they didn't say anything, did you?
Today’s Conclusion: Words can hurt us deeply
We ideally learn this lesson in kindergarten. But sometimes our temper gets the better of us. The art of arguing in relationships is underestimated. It can be learned and makes an important contribution to the success of a partnership. If you take the aforementioned no-goes to heart, you are already creating good conditions. A relationship is always work, mainly on ourselves. That's it for today.