How to Conquer the Fear of Intimacy
Closeness from a distance. Intimacy is a broad term that encompasses much more than sexuality or physical closeness. It encompasses every action and circumstance that involves opening up to others and revealing a piece of oneself. Some people succeed effortlessly in this exercise. They sometimes even tell complete strangers their most intimate secrets, while others find it inherently difficult or have had correspondingly bad experiences with revealing information about themselves, their thoughts and their feelings. These people feel that the danger is too great that details about our lives will sooner or later be used against us, passed on or otherwise misused. Unfortunately, fear of intimacy is not exactly conducive to interpersonal interaction. Those who constantly put up walls long before an enemy is even in sight will be preoccupied with nothing else and may miss out on precious and beautiful moments in life. The following seven steps we're sharing with you in this article can help you reduce your fear of intimacy, at least a little bit, if you're ready for it.
1. Speak plainly when possible.
Anxiety is often a child of unclear circumstances. If you can manage to make a clear announcement more often, more security will be established in your life. Be sure to learn to say no, there are polite and friendly versions of this, but they all need to communicate your needs clearly. If something makes you uncomfortable, communication can very often be the solution. Conversely, it doesn't get you anywhere if you just dwell on your thoughts and live from one what-if scenario to the next without ever gaining clarity. Life is too short for the unspoken and especially for unclear circumstances. With every answer you get, you're also leaving your fear of intimacy a little further and further behind, and eventually, I promise, you'll get there.
2. Set clear boundaries
If you're afraid of getting hurt, a clearly drawn boundary now and then can sufficiently protect you from it. Learn where your invisible markers are that strangers are not allowed to cross without asking. You define this radius for yourself alone. It can vary from person to person, depending on how great the trust this person has earned already. Constantly meeting the expectations of others and fulfilling their demands on you is not a healthy way to give true intimacy a chance. Especially at the beginning of new romantic relationships, it makes perfect sense to delineate the areas where you know your own well-being begins to suffer. Acceptance of another is all well and good, but it shouldn't become more important than your personal feelings.
3. Trust those who have earned it
As with any fear that needs to be overcome, fear of intimacy requires taking small, doable steps to remedy. They'll get you there better than sweeping changes and suddenly breaking routines. So practice trust in small stages with those you feel good about. The good thing about it is that practice makes perfect over time. How quickly you dare to share your life with more people is up to you and no one else.
4. Find out what exactly you are afraid of
What exactly are your reservations about intimacy based on? Can you understand when and why this fear originated? Common reasons include fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, history of separation, fear of being controlled, and anxiety disorders. Every person is the sum of his or her experiences. We carry these around with us and also bring them into every new relationship. A lot of baggage can accumulate over the course of a lifetime, but that's the way it is for the vast majority of people. You are not alone in this, and a new partner may have experienced something very similar to what you have and may be struggling with the same reservations. A candid conversation at the appropriate time can quickly remedy this.
5. Know your worth
Valuing yourself is an important requirement in any situation in life. Only those who nurture and uphold their self-worth can connect with others at eye level. Therefore, never hide your light under a bushel. It’s better to avoid a connection if it rubs your ego the wrong way or doesn’t seem to be good for you from the beginning. You are worthy of appreciation, respect and love. You should demand nothing less from those around you. Those who are not willing to pay this price do not deserve your trust or your company.
6. Be patient
Fear of intimacy is not something that can be cured in the blink of an eye. There is no magic spell or quick therapeutic solution for it. Depending on how severe your fear is, you should definitely consider professional help. However, if your reservations are only based on bad experiences in the past and you are ready to exchange them for good ones in the future, just set the pace yourself. You will know pretty soon when a person enters your life who is worth conquering your own fears for. Until then, there's no need to rush into anything. Life's timing is not always on par with ours, but it is always perfect.
7. Don't be afraid of a fresh start
Falling down is not a disgrace, but staying down is. It's the same with trying to allow intimacy when it's not so easy. There will probably be setbacks and disappointments in this area as well. This is due to human nature on the one hand and the constant changing of our worldly environment, on the other. Meeting new people, gaining new experiences and venturing into unknown or unfamiliar territory always involves a risk. But unfortunately, only those who buy a lottery ticket, in the first place, can ever win. Fear has won when it paralyzes us and determines our lives – don’t let it come to that.
Today’s Conclusion
Fear of intimacy is widespread and poses a problem for many people: on the one hand, we want to make new acquaintances, friendships and relationships, but on the other hand, there is always at least a 50% risk that we will be hurt in the process. Anyone who has had to make what feels like a dangerous leap again and again will at some point have enough of it and call it quits with intimacy. We can only guess how many great experiences and beautiful moments will be lost as a result. After all, like any courageous attempt, establishing trust comes with an overwhelming sense of achievement. Anyone who has ever stood at the edge of the high diving board and actually jumped at some point can guess the feeling that sets in when one's courage conquers one's fear; use your courage wisely. But once courage has gained the upper hand, nothing and no one can stop us on our way through life, least of all fear. That's it for today.