Why It’s Perfectly Fine to Cut Toxic Family Members Out of Your Life!
Even blood ties can be poisonous. Toxic people, as the name suggests, are pure poison for us. They damage our psyche, hurt our feelings, and sometimes even ruin our health and livelihoods. Unfortunately, the range of negative effects here is practically limitless. If we have the ability to avoid these happiness sucking people, we should. It doesn't matter if they're aware of the harm they're doing or not. Toxic family members are in a completely different league. Here, the emotional ties are much closer, the level of obligation we feel to them is much higher, and we often don't allow ourselves to be rid of their negative influence for years. In this article, we'll show you why it's absolutely okay to cut family ties if they're toxic.
1. Why is it so hard?
Saying goodbye to toxic people is an art in itself. It often takes a long time for us to see through their foul play. Especially in relationships or friendships, we often find it hard to believe the bad things a friend or loved one can do to us. This inability is compounded even more when the toxic individual is a parent or sibling. On the one hand, our emotional expectations from these people are extraordinarily high. Mothers and fathers must love us, while siblings must at least accept us. Of course, liking us would be even better. To make matters worse, toxic people rarely spray their poison in constant bouts, but rather subject us to a veritable emotional roller coaster leaves confused and wondering where we stand. Normally, we continue to fight with all the means we have to finally get the love and affection we know we are entitled to. Recognizing we are completely wrong to continue fighting for this person can take years and even decades, sometimes ending only when we’re on our deathbed.
2. Responsibility is not a one-way street.
The second reason we have such a hard time breaking ties with toxic family members is our strong sense of responsibility. This is partly innate to us as members of a social species. In part, however, the circumstances and those around us as we grow up train us to do so. If, as the children of toxic parents, we feel responsible to make sure they are ok throughout our lives, this mechanism has served its purpose. This is how a lifelong struggle for recognition, love, or at the very least acceptance can begin. But where is the responsibility towards ourselves? Where is the responsible behavior of the parents, grandparents or siblings according to their biological code? And don't forget: First and foremost, as adults, we are responsible to ourselves. Self-love always comes first, as long as we don't consciously harm anyone by doing so. There can be no question of that in this context. Anyone who distances themselves for self-protection is acting in a highly responsible manner and is by no means selfish.
3. The comparison makes you safe.
If you are feeling uncomfortable around certain family members, who literally suck every ounce of lifeblood out of your veins and make you exhausted after every conversation, you are almost certainly dealing with toxic behavior. We often find it difficult to channel these feelings or classify them correctly. Therefore, it is necessary to look at such interpersonal relationships on a different, non-emotional level. The following points should serve as a checklist for you regarding the "worst of toxic behavior".
Someone is constantly belittling you. Nothing you say, do, or strive for is good enough for them.
You are constantly being compared to others and your alleged deficits are always pointed out to you.
This person is a pessimist to the letter. No person, event or thing can elicit a positive comment or even a smile from them.
Control is the top priority. Your mother or father, for example, call you several times a day and want to know the details of your daily routine.
You are being used as a mental garbage can. Aside from complaining, however, this person does not contribute to improving their situation.
All of your suggestions are categorically rejected. You are treated like a second class citizen.
Siblings are always preferred to you.
Your privacy is not respected.
Certain imposing obligations are imposed on you.
Sibling envy becomes overbearing.
Emotional blackmail becomes a torturously permanent state of affairs.
4. The choice is yours.
Though at times it may not seem so, the choice of how to handle this situation is yours alone. These people will not just change miraculously. The only person who can pull you out of this emotional dilemma is yourself.
You can:
A: Recognize what is toxic. The problem isn't you.
B: Understand that you're not the helpless little kid you were in the past. It's up to you to reshuffle the deck. Talk to people you trust about your situation or seek professional help. Take the helpless child inside you by the hand and lead them towards the light.
C: Detach yourself from your emotional dependency. What would be the worst thing that could happen? Are you still afraid of being abandoned, abused, or locked in the closet? Again, the child inside you is now an adult who can either fight back or walk away.
D: Put yourself and your self-worth first. Nobody can treat you badly. No one.
E: Get yourself out of the victim role. If you feel like the toxic person isn't completely locked into their weird worldview, confront them about their behavior. Emphasize how much they hurt your feelings. Don't expect too much from this conversation. You will still feel better afterwards though because everything has been put on the table.
Q: Set clear boundaries if you don't want to completely distance yourself. Over time, you've probably, without realizing it, proven yourself to be a great pack animal for other family members. That has to end now. Tasks that you previously had to shoulder alone should now be shared. Otherwise, you will no longer contribute. Announcing and following through with clearly defined consequences is a must.
G: If there is no other way, then leave. This should be the last resort, which will certainly be difficult for you as well. But before you sacrifice your mental, emotional, and physical health in a losing battle, you must protect yourself. Always keep in mind that you have done your utmost and left no stone unturned to find another solution. Toxic people are not worth a second of your time.
Today’s Conclusion.
There are times when you cannot completely terminate a relationship altogether. Many people have tried and failed. The bonds that forever bind us to our families are truly stronger than anything else, and blood will always be thicker than water. But growing up brings significant benefits. Not only are we physically stronger, we are also mentally and emotionally stronger. We decide where to go and who to be with. Always remember the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That's it for today. Until next time with psychology in everyday life.