13 Ways to Identify a Frenemy Who Secretly Wants to See You Struggle

Key Signs to Spot

Navigating social relationships can be challenging, especially when some people may not have your best interests at heart. A frenemy, a blend of friend and enemy, can be particularly difficult to spot because they often disguise their ill intentions behind a veneer of camaraderie.

Understanding how to identify a frenemy who secretly wants to see you struggle is crucial for maintaining your well-being and peace of mind. By recognizing the signs, you can protect yourself from emotional harm and foster more genuine, supportive relationships.

1) They compliment you with a hint of jealousy

A frenemy often gives compliments that seem positive but have an undertone of envy. For example, they might say, “You’re so lucky to fit into those clothes.” While the statement appears flattering, it subtly implies that your success or appearance is due to luck rather than hard work or dedication.

Another common behavior is excessive flattery. Frenemies might shower you with praise, saying things like, “You always get everything so easily.” This can mask their true feelings of resentment.

Sometimes, their compliments can feel insincere or forced. This occurs when they say things like, “Wow, you did a great job, surprisingly!” The addition of “surprisingly” hints at their underlying disbelief in your abilities.

Such comments can leave you feeling uneasy. To protect yourself, stay mindful of these backhanded compliments and recognize them for what they are. You can acknowledge the compliment but stay alert to the underlying negativity.

For more detailed signs of secret jealousy, check out this comprehensive guide.

2) Often dismisses your achievements

A frenemy may dismiss your achievements to undermine your confidence. They may make comments that downplay your successes or suggest that your accomplishments are not that significant.

For example, they might say, "Anyone could have done that," or, "It's not a big deal." These statements can make you second-guess your abilities.

Another tactic is to shift the focus to themselves when you share your success. Instead of celebrating with you, they might say something like, "I did something similar, but even better." This behavior is a sign they feel threatened by your achievements.

They may also bring up past failures or unrelated shortcomings to take away from your moment of pride. For instance, if you get a promotion, they might remind you of a mistake you made years ago.

Recognizing these dismissive actions can help you protect your self-esteem and identify the negative impact a frenemy can have on your well-being. Understanding these behaviors allows you to distance yourself from those who secretly want to see you struggle.

3) Only contacts you when they need something

A common trait of a frenemy is that they only reach out when they need a favor or assistance. True friends will be there for you during the ups and downs of life, but a frenemy will appear only when it benefits them.

These individuals might ask for help with a project, a ride, or emotional support. When you need them, they are often unavailable or make excuses. This one-sided interaction can leave you feeling used and undervalued.

It's important to recognize this behavior early. Consistently being the one who gives without receiving in return is a red flag. If you find yourself in this scenario, assess the relationship critically, and consider the emotional impact it has on you.

For more information about identifying such behavior, visit SocialSelf's article on frenemies. Recognizing these signs can help you decide how to move forward with such relationships.

4) Gossips about you behind your back.

A key sign of a frenemy is when they gossip about you behind your back. This behavior reveals their lack of loyalty and trustworthiness. They may spread rumors or share your personal information with others.

People who gossip often tell different stories to different people. They manipulate the narrative to serve their own interests. This creates confusion and mistrust among your mutual acquaintances.

Inconsistent stories are a common tactic used by gossipers. They may say one thing to you and something entirely different to someone else. This can make it difficult to know what the truth is.

Gossiping reflects a deeper issue of insecurity and jealousy. Frenemies often feel threatened by your successes and use gossip to undermine you. They aim to damage your reputation and relationships.

By keeping an eye out for these behaviors, you can protect yourself from the negative impact of gossip. Being aware of a frenemy's tendency to gossip helps you maintain healthier, more authentic relationships. For further details, you can refer to how someone gossiping about you tends to display subtle behaviors.

5) Never genuinely happy for your success

A frenemy might show signs of envy when you succeed. Instead of celebrating your achievements, they may offer backhanded compliments or downplay your accomplishments. This behavior can be confusing and hurtful, as it contradicts the supportive nature of true friendship.

They might also make negative comments disguised as jokes or express skepticism about your abilities. Such remarks can erode your confidence and make you question your worth. When someone close to you undermines your success, it signals that they may have hidden agendas.

Another sign is their tendency to compare their achievements to yours, often in a competitive way. They might frequently bring up their own successes whenever you share good news, shifting the focus from your accomplishments to their own. This competitive spirit isn't typical of a genuine, supportive friend.

A frenemy might also avoid acknowledging your success altogether. They may act indifferent or even change the subject when you bring up your achievements. This lack of recognition can be disheartening and indicates that they are not truly happy for you.

These behaviors highlight a lack of genuine support. If someone consistently shows these signs, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Recognizing these traits can help you maintain healthier, more supportive friendships. For more detailed information, read about identifying toxic friendships.

6) Gives Backhanded Compliments

A key sign of a frenemy is their tendency to give backhanded compliments. These remarks start off sounding positive but quickly reveal an underlying insult. For instance, they might say, “You’re so brave to wear that,” subtly implying they think your outfit is unattractive.

Backhanded compliments often mask jealousy or insecurity. Comments like “You’re surprisingly good at your job” suggest they didn’t expect you to succeed. This form of subtle criticism can undermine your confidence while appearing as praise.

Another common tactic is highlighting flaws while pretending to compliment. For example, they might remark, “You’ve lost weight, you look so much better now,” which implies you didn’t look good before. Such comments can leave you feeling self-conscious instead of valued.

To identify these disguised insults, pay attention to how you feel after the interaction. Genuine compliments typically leave you feeling positive, whereas backhanded ones might cause you to second-guess yourself. Recognizing this behavior can help you navigate the complex dynamics with a frenemy.

For more examples of backhanded compliments, visit Learning Mind.

7) Avoids You During Your Good Times

A frenemy often avoids you during your moments of success and happiness. When you achieve something significant, they seem to disappear, offering no congratulations or support.

They may find excuses to not attend your celebrations or acknowledge your achievements. This absence during positive times is a key indicator of a frenemy.

True friends want to share in your joy and successes. In contrast, a frenemy is uncomfortable with your achievements and prefers to keep a distance when things are going well for you. This behavior highlights their insecurity and jealousy.

Someone who cannot celebrate your victories is likely not a genuine friend. Their avoidance speaks volumes about their true feelings, revealing a desire to see you struggle rather than succeed. This pattern of behavior should raise red flags.

Recognizing this sign can help you better understand who in your social circle truly has your best interests at heart.

8) Minimizes your problems instead of supporting you

A clear sign of a frenemy is their habit of minimizing your problems. When you share your struggles, they may brush them off as unimportant or trivial.

They often compare your issues to seemingly bigger problems, making you feel guilty or ashamed for even mentioning your concerns. Their goal is to undermine your feelings and invalidate your experiences.

Another tactic they might use is offering generic advice that lacks genuine support or understanding. This type of response can leave you feeling dismissed and unsupported.

Frenemies may also downplay your achievements, making it seem like anyone could have accomplished what you did. This can erode your self-esteem and make you question your worth.

In conversations, they often redirect the focus back to themselves, ignoring your need for empathy and compassion. This self-centered behavior reveals their lack of genuine care for your well-being.

If you notice these patterns, it may indicate that the person is not a true friend. A genuine friend will provide thoughtful support and validation during difficult times.

9) Keeps score in the friendship

A frenemy often keeps meticulous track of favors, time, and emotional investments in a friendship. They make mental or even physical notes of who did what and when, ensuring the scales always tip in their favor.

They may bring up past favors or contributions in conversations to remind you of your "debts." This constant scorekeeping creates pressure and drives wedges between genuine interactions.

You might notice them referencing small details, like who paid for dinner last time or who called whom first. This habit can erode trust and make the relationship feel transactional rather than supportive.

Keeping score is a manipulative tactic to maintain control and to guilt-trip you into reciprocating their gestures, even if done reluctantly. By keeping you feeling indebted, they reinforce a cycle of obligation and resentment in the friendship.

Healthy friendships rely on mutual respect and generosity, without the need for audits. When they continuously remind you of their contributions, it's a red flag of underlying intentions.

Observing this pattern can help you recognize and address the imbalance before it impacts your emotional well-being. Be wary of these signs to safeguard your mental health and ensure your friendships are built on true mutual support.

For more signs of identifying a frenemy, visit LUSH AND WELL.

10) Takes joy in your failures.

One clear sign of a frenemy is taking noticeable pleasure in your misfortunes. Instead of offering support or encouragement, they seem almost delighted when things go wrong for you.

They might laugh at your mistakes or even subtly highlight your downfalls in front of others. This behavior often aims to boost their own ego while making you feel inadequate.

Pay attention to their reactions when you share bad news. A genuine friend offers a shoulder to lean on, while a frenemy's enthusiasm for your setbacks can be unsettling.

In social situations, a frenemy might spread gossip about your failures. This can be an attempt to damage your reputation and make themselves look better by comparison.

They may offer insincere sympathy. Their words might sound supportive, but their tone and body language convey a different message. Their true feelings of enjoyment often leak through despite their attempts to mask them.

If you notice these patterns, it's crucial to reevaluate your relationship. Understanding this behavior can help you distance yourself from such negative influences.

11) Always one-upping your stories

A key sign of a frenemy is their tendency to always one-up your stories. No matter what you share, they feel compelled to respond with something better or more dramatic.

For instance, if you mention a recent travel experience, they immediately recount a more exotic destination they visited. This behavior diminishes your achievements and shifts the focus back to them.

Another example is when you discuss a personal milestone, such as a job promotion. A frenemy will quickly mention their more impressive accomplishments, making it clear they consider their experiences superior.

This constant need to overshadow your stories indicates insecurity and a desire to maintain control. They are less interested in celebrating your successes and more focused on highlighting their own.

Recognizing this pattern can help you understand their true motivations. It's important to surround yourself with people who genuinely support you rather than those who see your accomplishments as opportunities to boast about their own.

For more information on this characteristic, visit a comprehensive guide on how to spot frenemies.

12) Frequently Competes with You

A frenemy often turns friendly interactions into competition. This could manifest in various ways, like always trying to outdo you in social settings or at work. They might try to overshadow your achievements by immediately sharing their own accomplishments.

They tend to turn every conversation into a comparison. If you mention a success, they are quick to highlight their similar or better achievement. This behavior creates an ongoing rivalry that can feel exhausting.

Frenemies may also compete in more subtle ways, such as mimicking your style or interests and then claiming to be better at whatever you enjoy. This can make your genuine interests feel tainted by their constant need to compete.

When socializing, a frenemy might try to take control of situations, emphasizing their achievements or opinions at the expense of yours. This creates a dynamic where you constantly feel the need to defend or validate your own accomplishments.

Their competitive nature often leads to diminishing your success, sometimes through backhanded compliments or underhanded comments. This serves to make them feel superior while subtly putting you down. For more on spotting these behaviors, refer to this guide on frenemies.

13) Acts distant when you achieve something great

A common sign of a frenemy is acting distant when you accomplish something noteworthy. When you share your achievements, you expect genuine friends to celebrate and support you.

Frenemies, however, might respond with indifference or shift the conversation away from your success. They may downplay your achievements or offer half-hearted congratulations.

Instead of engaging with your excitement, they might avoid discussing your achievement altogether. Their responses can leave you feeling unsupported and confused, which are key indicators of a frenemy's hidden intentions.

Such behavior contrasts sharply with real friends who are happy about your success and celebrate your milestones with enthusiasm and heartfelt joy.

Notice how they act in group settings too. If they seem uninterested or change the topic quickly when others praise your accomplishment, it’s another red flag.

Watch for subtle signs of their discomfort or unwillingness to acknowledge your progress. It's important to recognize these signs to understand who truly supports you and who doesn't. For more insights, you can learn about these dynamics on Therapy Tips.

Understanding The Concept Of A Frenemy

A frenemy is someone who pretends to be a friend but has underlying motives that can negatively impact your well-being. They exhibit mixed feelings towards you, sometimes being supportive and other times undermining your success.

Definition And Characteristics

A frenemy is a person who combines the roles of a friend and an enemy. They often maintain a facade of friendship while holding grudges or hidden agendas. Common traits of frenemies include inconsistent behavior, passive-aggressive comments, and insincere compliments.

Frenemies might appear supportive in public but secretly rejoice in your struggles. They often offer backhanded compliments or use sarcasm to belittle you. Their actions can make you feel uneasy, as they might gossip about you behind your back or subtly sabotage your efforts.

Recognizing these characteristics helps in identifying whether someone is a genuine friend or a frenemy. Keep an eye on their behavior patterns to understand their true intentions.

Psychological Motivations

Several psychological factors drive a frenemy's behavior. These individuals may have insecurities or unresolved personal issues that manifest in jealousy or competitiveness. Lack of self-esteem can lead them to undermine others to feel superior.

Some frenemies struggle with feelings of envy when they see others succeed. This jealousy may prompt them to act in ways that hinder your progress. They might also seek validation by aligning with successful people while secretly hoping for their failure.

Frenemies often have a desire to control relationships. By switching between supportive and antagonistic behaviors, they maintain a power dynamic that keeps the other person guessing. This manipulation helps them feel a sense of control and significance in the relationship.

The Impact On Your Mental And Emotional Health

Constant interactions with a frenemy can severely impact your mental well-being. This strain can manifest in heightened stress levels and a decline in self-esteem.

Stress And Anxiety

Engaging with a frenemy often leads to increased stress and anxiety. These individuals may undermine accomplishments, leading to feelings of self-doubt. Frequent exposure to this behavior can trigger chronic stress responses.

Experiencing indirect insults or passive aggression can cause mental exhaustion. Furthermore, anticipating negative interactions can result in constant vigilance, contributing to anxiety. These heightened stress levels can disrupt daily activities, causing issues like sleep disturbances and difficulty in concentrating.

Erosion Of Self-Esteem

A frenemy’s negative influence can erode self-esteem over time. Consistent backhanded compliments or subtle criticisms can damage an individual’s sense of worth. This persistent negative feedback can make one question their abilities and value.

Such erosion of self-esteem can lead to fewer social interactions and withdrawal from activities once enjoyed. Over time, this can create feelings of loneliness and isolation.