14 Traits of a Covert Narcissist You Need to Recognize

Covert narcissism is a subtler form of narcissistic personality disorder, often hidden behind a façade of humility or introversion. Unlike overt narcissists, who typically display grandiosity and blatant self-importance, covert narcissists can be more challenging to identify due to their less obvious traits.

Understanding the key characteristics of a covert narcissist is crucial for recognizing them in various aspects of life, such as personal relationships or the workplace. This article delves into the 14 traits that help distinguish a covert narcissist, providing insights to help identify and deal with them effectively.

1) Grandiosity with Lack of Substance

A covert narcissist often displays grandiosity, but this grandiosity lacks genuine substance.

While they appear modest or withdrawn in public, they secretly harbor fantasies of unlimited success and brilliance. They may present themselves as exceptional but lack the real achievements to support these claims.

A covert narcissist's sense of superiority can manifest through subtle, indirect means. They may imply their intellectual or moral superiority without openly boasting.

This hidden grandiosity serves to mask deep insecurities. Their need for admiration and validation from others remains strong, even if they hide it behind a façade of humility.

Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists are skilled at keeping their grandiose thoughts internal. This makes it challenging to recognize their true nature.

They often avoid taking direct responsibility for failures, instead shifting blame onto others or external circumstances.

The grandiosity of a covert narcissist can also be seen in their exaggerated sense of entitlement. They believe they deserve special treatment and recognition without putting in the corresponding effort or achievement.

This lack of genuine substance behind their grandiosity creates a persistent tension between their self-image and reality.

For more on the traits of covert narcissists, Choosing Therapy provides additional insights.

2) Preoccupation with Fantasies of Success

Covert narcissists often have a strong preoccupation with fantasies of success. They imagine achieving unlimited power, influence, and recognition.

These fantasies can be about career achievements, social status, or personal talents. The narcissist believes they deserve these successes, often without putting in the necessary effort.

This preoccupation distracts them from present tasks. They spend more time daydreaming about future glory than working towards it. Their actions frequently don't align with their grandiose visions.

These fantasies serve as a coping mechanism. They help the covert narcissist build a self-image that shields them from feelings of inadequacy. This inner world becomes a refuge where they are always the hero.

For more detailed characteristics, refer to information about narcissism and its traits from Psychology Today.

Narcissistic preoccupation can also strain relationships. Friends and colleagues might notice the disconnect between the narcissist's visions and reality. This can lead to frustration and disappointment in these relationships.

Covert narcissists may also suffer from internal conflict. They are torn between their inflated self-image and their actual achievements, which can lead to anxiety or depression.

3) Extreme Sensitivity to Criticism

Covert narcissists exhibit extreme sensitivity to criticism. This trait is a hallmark characteristic, setting them apart from their overt counterparts. They often react intensely to criticism, perceiving it as a threat to their fragile self-esteem. Even constructive feedback can lead to feelings of deep insecurity and defensiveness.

External criticism can serve as a painful reminder of their internalized feelings of inadequacy. They may interpret even mild remarks as personal attacks, exacerbating their anxiety and self-doubt.

Their reactions to criticism can include withdrawal, sulking, or passive-aggressive behaviors. In some cases, they may resort to gaslighting or manipulating others to protect their self-image.

By understanding this sensitivity, one can better navigate interactions with covert narcissists. Adjusting communication strategies may help mitigate their defensive responses and foster more constructive dialogues.

4) Strained Interpersonal Relationships

Covert narcissists often have strained interpersonal relationships due to their complex personality traits. They tend to avoid direct responsibility and shy away from decision-making, making it difficult for others to rely on them.

Their exaggerated sense of entitlement can lead to conflicts, as they expect special treatment without reciprocating.

These individuals may exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors instead of overt aggression. This creates tension, as their dissatisfaction is expressed indirectly, leaving others feeling confused and frustrated.

A covert narcissist's hypersensitivity to criticism exacerbates these issues. They react poorly to feedback, perceiving it as a personal attack, which can alienate friends and family members.

Their chronic envy or jealousy further complicates relationships. They may feel resentful of others' successes and downplay or ignore achievements, causing additional strain.

Covert narcissists often lack empathy, which impairs their ability to form genuine connections. This emotional distance makes it difficult for them to build or maintain healthy relationships.

Additionally, their ability to better hide feelings of self-importance can be misleading. People may initially interpret their behavior as humility or modesty, only to later discover the narcissistic tendencies that interfere with relational dynamics.

Avoiding direct confrontation, they may use tactics like gaslighting to manipulate situations, further damaging trust and respect in their relationships.

5) Tendency to Gaslight Others

A covert narcissist often employs gaslighting as a tool to manipulate and control those around them. This psychological tactic is a form of emotional abuse that distorts the victim's perception of reality. By continually denying or twisting the truth, the narcissist fosters confusion and doubt in their target.

Gaslighting allows the narcissist to maintain a sense of superiority and control. When successfully executed, it can make the victim feel as though they cannot trust their own thoughts and feelings. This type of manipulation becomes an extension of the narcissist's need for dominance.

Common tactics used by covert narcissists include questioning the victim's memory, trivializing their concerns, and outright lying. For example, they might insist that a conversation never happened or that the victim is overreacting to minor issues. This leaves the victim in a perpetual state of second-guessing themselves.

The goal of gaslighting is to undermine the victim’s confidence, making them more reliant on the narcissist for validation and support. Victims often find themselves apologizing for things they didn’t do or questioning their own emotional responses, effectively handing control over to the narcissist.

In relationships with covert narcissists, recognizing gaslighting is crucial for setting boundaries and seeking appropriate support. Understanding these dynamics can help individuals protect their mental health and personal autonomy. For more information on how narcissists use gaslighting, Psychology Today offers further insights.

6) Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is a common trait in covert narcissists. They often avoid direct confrontation and instead choose subtle strategies to express their resentment and anger. This can include giving the silent treatment, making sarcastic comments, or pretending to forget important tasks.

One way this manifests is through purposeful communication avoidance. They might ignore phone calls, texts, or emails to show their displeasure. This indirect approach allows them to control the situation without overtly appearing hostile.

Another sign is sulking. They may engage in moping or huffing to convey their displeasure without openly addressing the issue. This childlike behavior can be extremely frustrating for those around them.

Sabotaging others is another passive-aggressive tactic. They might undermine someone’s efforts subtly, ensuring that their actions cannot be easily traced back to them. This can include spreading rumors or deliberately withholding important information.

In relationships, covert narcissists frequently resist making decisions. This reluctance can be a form of passive-aggressive resistance, where they avoid taking responsibility and instead let others bear the burden. Their behavior creates confusion and frustration, making them difficult to deal with over time.

7) Excessive Need for Attention

A covert narcissist possesses an excessive need for attention, but their tactics for gaining it are more subtle than those of overt narcissists.

Rather than boast openly, they often play the victim or feign modesty to elicit sympathy and attention from others.

They tend to create situations where their needs become central, demanding others' time and energy without appearing overtly needy.

In relationships, a covert narcissist may use passive-aggressive tactics to draw attention.

For example, they might drop hints about feeling unappreciated or misunderstood, compelling others to reassure and compliment them.

They might also exhibit emotional manipulation, using guilt or silent treatment to gain the upper hand and ensure that others focus on them.

Another common behavior is seeking validation through social media.

A covert narcissist might post vague, melancholic messages or thoughtful quotes, prompting friends to inquire about their well-being and shower them with supportive comments.

Their need for attention can also manifest in professional settings.

They might take on roles that seem selfless, yet their underlying motive is the admiration and recognition from peers more than genuine altruism.

Despite their introverted nature, they require constant affirmation to maintain their self-esteem. This quest for attention can take a toll on their relationships, as friends and partners may grow weary of the continuous demands for validation.

8) Mask of Humility

A covert narcissist often hides behind a facade of humility. Unlike their overt counterparts, they portray themselves as modest and unassuming.

This mask serves to deflect suspicion. It allows them to manipulate others without drawing attention.

They may frequently downplay their achievements. This can make them appear humble and relatable.

Their humility is often deceptive. It can be a strategic move to gain sympathy and control.

They aim to elicit praise and admiration. They seek validation through subtle means.

Be cautious of false modesty. Genuine humility doesn't seek acknowledgement.

By appearing humble, they can position themselves as the underestimated hero. This can make their manipulative tactics harder to detect.

Identifying this trait is crucial. Recognizing their disguised arrogance is key to understanding their behavior.

For more detail on covert narcissist traits, consult additional resources.

9) Manipulative Communication Style

A covert narcissist often employs a manipulative communication style to maintain control and influence over others. This style is subtle and less overt than that used by more aggressive narcissists.

They may use tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and passive-aggression. These methods can make the other person question their own perceptions and feelings.

A common trait is shifting blame. When confronted, a covert narcissist will redirect the topic or blame others to avoid taking responsibility.

Indirect communication is also prevalent. Instead of directly stating their needs or frustrations, they hint or use sarcasm, leaving the listener to decode the message.

This style can be confusing and exhausting for those on the receiving end, as it often leaves them feeling unsure and frustrated. Recognizing these manipulative communication patterns is crucial for setting boundaries and protecting one’s mental health.

Further, covert narcissists may feign empathy to appear considerate while subtly maintaining control. This pretense makes it challenging for others to realize they are being manipulated.

Lastly, they may avoid direct criticisms but express displeasure through backhanded compliments or subtle digs, undermining others while maintaining an appearance of innocence. For more information, you can explore 8 Signs of a Narcissistic Communicator for further details.

10) Self-Centered Conversations

Covert narcissists often dominate conversations by steering topics back to themselves. This behavior can manifest subtly, making it challenging to recognize initially.

They frequently interrupt others, showing a lack of genuine interest in what the other person is saying. Their primary goal is to shift the focus back to their own experiences and achievements.

In discussions, covert narcissists may present themselves as victims to garner sympathy and attention. They use this technique to manipulate the conversation and maintain control over the narrative.

Their storytelling often includes exaggerated details to highlight their perceived superiority. This tendency serves to reinforce their self-image rather than contribute meaningfully to the dialogue.

For more insight, read about the traits of covert narcissists on Psychology Today.

11) Difficulty with Genuine Empathy

Covert narcissists often struggle to show authentic empathy. They may appear to be caring but their actions are usually self-serving. This faux empathy is a tool to manipulate others, maintaining their facade.

A consistent trait is their inability to truly understand another person’s feelings. This inhibits deep, meaningful relationships. They focus on their needs and dismiss others' emotions as less important or irrelevant.

Their difficulty with empathy can lead to a lack of genuine connections. They can mimic empathy in social situations but often lack a real emotional response. This disconnect can be confusing and hurtful for those around them.

A covert narcissist's lack of empathy is often masked by other behaviors, such as appearing sensitive or understanding. In reality, this sensitivity is usually self-directed and critical of others. This deceptive behavior can make interactions with them challenging and draining.

This characteristic is a core aspect of their personality, underscoring many of their interactions. They may recognize emotions in a theoretical sense but fail to connect on a personal, emotional level. This can result in superficial relationships and frustrations for those trying to engage with them on a deeper level.

For more insights on recognizing such traits, you can refer to articles discussing subtle signs of narcissism.

12) Silent Treatment and Stonewalling

Silent treatment and stonewalling are common tactics used by covert narcissists. These behaviors involve refusing to communicate or engage with another person. This can entail ignoring calls, texts, or staying in a different room.

Silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive manipulation. It aims to control the other person's emotions and reactions. By withholding communication, the narcissist gains power over the situation.

Stonewalling involves shutting down conversations completely. This refusal to discuss or acknowledge issues leaves the other person feeling isolated and frustrated. Stonewalling can lead to significant emotional distress for the victim.

Both silent treatment and stonewalling create a barrier in relationships. They prevent healthy communication and conflict resolution. Understanding these behaviors can help identify patterns of emotional abuse.

Victims of these tactics often feel invalidated and dismissed. This emotional withdrawal can erode trust and intimacy in relationships. Recognizing these traits is crucial in addressing and mitigating their impact.

For more details on silent treatment and its effects, further exploration is suggested. Similarly, understanding stonewalling behavior is important for recognizing manipulative patterns. These resources can offer deeper insights into these harmful behaviors.

13) Frequent Plays of the Victim Card

Covert narcissists often present themselves as victims. This behavior helps them gain sympathy and attention from others. By playing the victim, they deflect blame and responsibility away from themselves.

This tactic can be particularly effective in evoking an emotional response. It shifts the focus of any conflict or issue away from their actions and onto their supposed suffering.

Experts note that their sense of entitlement leads them to believe they deserve special treatment. When they don't get it, they feel wronged and play the victim. This behavior is meant to manipulate others into giving them the validation they crave.

Additionally, they often use the victim card to control relationships. By portraying themselves as the injured party, they can manipulate others into feeling guilty or obligated to accommodate their needs. This keeps their partners or acquaintances in a state of constant appeasement, avoiding conflicts that might otherwise expose the narcissist’s true nature.

Frequent plays of the victim card are a defense mechanism. It allows covert narcissists to maintain their fragile self-image and avoid facing their faults. This behavior is deeply ingrained and serves as a core strategy for managing their interactions and preserving their perceived superiority.

14) Chronic Sense of Entitlement

One of the defining traits of a covert narcissist is their chronic sense of entitlement. This characteristic manifests as a belief that they deserve special treatment and privileges regardless of their actions or efforts. They often expect others to cater to their needs and desires without reciprocation.

Covert narcissists may exhibit frustration or anger when they do not receive the special treatment they believe they deserve. This can lead to conflicts in both personal and professional relationships. Their sense of entitlement can make collaboration difficult, as they often resist sharing responsibilities or acknowledging the contributions of others.

They might mask their entitlement behind a facade of modesty or humility, making it more difficult to recognize. Despite their outward appearance, their behavior reveals their deep-seated expectation for preferential treatment. This entitlement can cost them opportunities and relationships over time as others recognize the imbalance.

For more insights on dealing with a narcissist's entitlement, visit Psychology Today.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is a more subtle form of narcissistic behavior that can be challenging to identify. This type of narcissism manifests in less apparent ways compared to the overt variety, yet it is equally damaging to relationships and self-esteem.

Definition and Key Characteristics

Covert narcissism, often referred to as "vulnerable" or "introverted" narcissism, is characterized by a fragile self-esteem and hyper-sensitivity to criticism. Unlike overt narcissists who seek attention publicly, covert narcissists tend to express their self-importance and need for admiration in subtle, indirect ways.

Key traits include feelings of inadequacy and exaggerated self-importance. They often avoid taking responsibility for their actions and may manipulate others through guilt or passive-aggression. For instance, they might project their insecurities onto others, leaving those close to them feeling inadequate. Additionally, covert narcissists may have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and a lack of genuine empathy.

Differences Between Covert and Overt Narcissism

The primary difference between covert and overt narcissism lies in how these traits are expressed. Overt narcissists display grandiosity, seek external validation, and lack empathy openly, making their narcissistic behaviors more recognizable and explicit.

In contrast, covert narcissists tend to be more introverted and reserved. They may appear humble or self-effacing to mask their self-centeredness and need for admiration. At work, they might treat colleagues with condescension and superiority while maintaining a public image that is starkly different from their private behaviors.

While both types experience similar underlying feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, covert narcissists are more likely to feel threatened by failure to meet their self-imposed "superhuman" standards. This often results in a pervasive sense of inadequacy and heightened sensitivity to perceived slights.

Understanding these differences is crucial for recognizing and addressing covert narcissistic behavior in various settings.

Psychological Impact of Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism has distinct psychological effects that can deeply impact both personal relationships and an individual's emotional well-being. These effects often manifest subtly but can be profoundly damaging over time.

Effects on Relationships

Covert narcissists often appear humble and even self-deprecating, but their interactions can mask a deep need for admiration and control. They tend to manipulate relationships by using passive-aggressive tactics. Individuals in relationships with covert narcissists may feel confused or perpetually guilty without understanding why. This manipulation can lead to a constant state of tension and insecurity.

Partners may also feel isolated as the covert narcissist subtly undermines their confidence and self-worth. Social interactions can be strained because the narcissist may covertly demand constant attention and validation. Over time, these dynamics can erode trust and emotional intimacy, leading to significant relational distress.

Emotional and Mental Health Consequences

The emotional toll of dealing with a covert narcissist is substantial. Individuals often experience persistent self-doubt and anxiety due to the narcissist's subtle but constant criticism and invalidation. This dynamic can lead to decreased self-esteem and chronic stress.

Living or working with a covert narcissist can also contribute to feelings of depression and emotional exhaustion. The manipulative behaviors and lack of genuine emotional support can make individuals feel trapped and powerless. In severe cases, the constant psychological strain can exacerbate or contribute to mental health disorders, such as anxiety disorders or depressive episodes.

Recognizing these patterns is essential for anyone affected by covert narcissism and seeking to reclaim their mental health and well-being.