13 Tactics Narcissists Use to Control Their Partner's Appearance

An In-Depth Analysis

Narcissists often employ various tactics to manipulate and control different aspects of their partner's life, including their appearance. These methods can range from subtle suggestions to outright demands, all aimed at shaping their partner’s physical presentation to fit their ideal image.

Understanding these controlling behaviors is crucial for anyone who suspects their partner may be exerting undue influence over their appearance. This awareness can empower individuals to recognize manipulative patterns and take steps to protect their autonomy and self-esteem.

1) Criticizing Clothing Choices

Narcissists often employ tactics that undermine their partner's self-esteem. One common method is criticizing clothing choices. This tactic serves to control how their partner presents themselves to the world.

For instance, they might make negative remarks about what their partner is wearing, implying that the outfit is unflattering or inappropriate.

Such criticism can be subtle or overt. It might involve backhanded compliments that leave their partner feeling unsure and insecure about their style. Over time, this constant negativity can erode the partner's confidence in their fashion choices.

The intention behind criticizing clothing choices is to create dependency. By making their partner doubt their judgment, narcissists push them to seek approval before getting dressed.

They may also criticize specific items that the partner likes, effectively discouraging them from wearing those pieces. This limits their partner's self-expression and reinforces the narcissist’s control over their appearance.

In more extreme cases, the narcissist might dictate what their partner should wear, insisting on certain styles or even choosing outfits for them. This behavior further diminishes the partner's autonomy and personal identity.

If a partner tries to resist or express their own preferences, the narcissist might escalate the criticism or resort to emotional manipulation, making their partner feel guilty or ungrateful. This pressure often leads to the partner conforming to the narcissist’s demands to avoid conflict.

2) Insisting on Certain Hairstyles

Narcissists often exert control over their partner's appearance by demanding specific hairstyles. They may insist on styles that align with their personal preferences rather than considering what their partner likes or feels comfortable with.

This control tactic stems from a need to dominate and shape their partner's identity.

They might pressure their partner to keep their hair long or short, based solely on what pleases them. Any deviation from these demands can lead to criticism or emotional punishment. The partner's autonomy over their own body becomes compromised under this pressure.

Such expectations can extend to frequent comments on hair color, styling choices, or even the use of certain products. This behavior can create a sense of insecurity in the partner, making them overly cautious about their appearance.

The goal is to ensure the partner meets their ideals to maintain a controlled and often idealized image of the relationship. If the partner resists, the narcissist may use emotional blackmail or shame to enforce compliance.

For further information, you can read more about 14 Thought-Control Tactics Narcissists Use.

3) Controlling Makeup Usage

Narcissists often dictate how their partner applies makeup, using this as a means of exerting control.

By insisting on specific makeup styles or products, they aim to craft an appearance that aligns with their preferences rather than their partner's desires. This may include encouraging heavy makeup to create a certain public image or insisting on minimal makeup to diminish their partner's self-confidence.

Controlling makeup usage can also extend to criticizing the partner's choices. If their partner diverges from the narcissist's preferences, the narcissist may belittle their appearance, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

These actions serve to undermine the partner's autonomy over their own appearance, fostering dependency and reducing self-esteem. It is a subtle yet effective way for narcissists to impose their will and maintain dominance in the relationship.

4) Dictating Weight and Diet

Narcissists often seek to control their partner’s body weight and dietary habits. They may impose strict rules about what can be eaten and when, framing it as a concern for their partner’s health or appearance.

These individuals might frequently criticize their partner’s weight, creating a sense of inadequacy and dependency. This keeps their partner constantly striving to meet unrealistic standards.

Another tactic includes withholding approval or affection unless their partner adheres to their prescribed diet or loses a certain amount of weight. This creates a manipulative reward-punishment dynamic.

They might also isolate their partner from social eating situations, making it difficult for them to enjoy meals with friends or family. This further strengthens the narcissist’s control over their partner’s dietary choices.

In some cases, the narcissist may insist on accompanying their partner to grocery stores or restaurants, closely monitoring food selections and portions. This constant surveillance instills fear and anxiety about making independent choices.

Narcissists often make their partner feel that their self-worth is directly tied to their physical appearance. This creates a relentless pressure to maintain a specific weight and diet dictated by the narcissist. For more on this, see manipulation tactics used by narcissists.

5) Monitoring Grooming Habits

Narcissists often exert control by monitoring and commenting on their partner's grooming habits. They keep an eye on how their partner dresses, styles their hair, and applies makeup. This scrutiny is not casual; it is frequent and demanding.

They may set specific expectations for grooming, requiring their partner to maintain a certain look. For instance, insisting on a particular hairstyle or forbidding certain clothing.

By enforcing these grooming guidelines, narcissists aim to mold their partner’s appearance to their liking. The partner might feel pressured to meet these standards to avoid criticism or disapproval.

Narcissists can also use grooming habits as a way to undermine their partner's confidence. They might make belittling comments about their partner’s chosen style, suggesting it is unattractive or inappropriate.

Through constant monitoring, they instill a sense of insecurity. The partner begins to second-guess their grooming choices, always wondering whether it will meet the narcissist's approval.

This control over grooming habits gradually erodes the partner's autonomy, making it harder for them to assert their preferences and maintain their individuality. It lays a foundation for deeper emotional manipulation and dependence.

6) Restricting Choice of Accessories

Narcissists often control their partner's accessories to maintain dominance. They may dictate what type of jewelry their partner wears, ensuring it aligns with their personal taste rather than allowing individual expression.

In some cases, they might demand that their partner only wears accessories they have gifted. This approach reinforces their sense of ownership and control over the partner.

The choice of accessories is a subtle yet powerful way to assert control. By restricting options, narcissists limit their partner's ability to make independent fashion choices. This tactic can erode the partner's confidence and autonomy.

Narcissists’ preferences generally take precedence over their partner's desires. As a result, the partner might feel pressured to conform to avoid conflict or criticism. This ongoing cycle of restriction can make the partner increasingly reliant on the narcissist for approval.

Accessories that symbolize independence or personal achievements might be particularly targeted. Narcissists may view them as threats to their authority and seek to eliminate them from their partner's wardrobe.

7) Setting Strict Dress Codes

Narcissistic partners often set strict dress codes for their significant others. They may insist on specific clothing styles, colors, or brands that align with their own tastes. This control extends to dictating what is deemed acceptable in public or private settings.

They enforce these dress codes to mold their partner's appearance to their ideal. By doing so, they assert dominance and ensure their partner presents an image that reflects positively on them. This behavior is about satisfying their desire for perfection and control.

Such restrictions can leave the partner feeling stifled and disconnected from their true self. They may hesitate to express their individuality, fearing backlash or disapproval. The constant need to meet the narcissist’s expectations can wear down their self-esteem and autonomy.

In some cases, non-compliance with these dress codes can lead to verbal abuse, punishment, or threats. The partner might face ridicule or criticism until they conform to the desired look. The narcissist uses these tactics to manipulate and maintain power in the relationship.

By setting these boundaries, the narcissist ensures that their partner remains dependent and submissive. It creates an environment where the partner's self-worth is tied to adherence to these strict dress codes, further cementing the narcissist’s control. More on this can be explored in the context of how narcissists use boundaries to control.

8) Enforcing Fashion Trends

Narcissists often insist that their partners follow specific fashion trends to maintain control over their appearance. They might dictate what is acceptable, pushing their partners to wear only certain brands or styles.

If the partner deviates from these expectations, the narcissist may criticize them harshly. This constant scrutiny keeps the partner in a state of insecurity and dependence.

Public settings often become a stage for the narcissist to showcase their partner's adherence to these trends. The partner's appearance is used as a reflection of the narcissist's taste and status, reinforcing the power dynamic. For more insight, see how this tactic is discussed in the context of manipulation by narcissists.

9) Commenting Negatively on Appearance

Narcissists often use negative comments about their partner's appearance to undermine their self-esteem. These comments can range from subtle digs to outright insults.

Frequent criticisms about weight, clothing, and grooming are common. By continuously highlighting perceived flaws, they foster insecurity and dependency.

This tactic can make the partner feel unattractive and unworthy, affecting their overall confidence. Comments might be disguised as "helpful advice" but serve to keep the partner off balance and seeking approval.

You can read more about this tactic here.

10) Discouraging Personal Style

Narcissists often discourage their partner's personal style to control their sense of identity. They may belittle their partner's clothing choices or make negative comments about their appearance.

These comments can range from subtle disapprovals to outright insults, making the partner feel inadequate. This tactic chips away at their confidence, leading them to seek approval by adhering to the narcissist's preferences.

The partner may start dressing in ways that please the narcissist, abandoning their own tastes. This erosion of personal style diminishes their individuality, making them more reliant on the narcissist's validation.

Over time, the partner might lose touch with what they actually like or feel comfortable wearing. The narcissist's constant criticism creates an environment where the partner constantly doubts their own choices.

By discouraging personal style, narcissists enforce their control, making it easier to manipulate their partner's self-esteem and autonomy. This manipulation extends beyond clothing to other aspects of personal expression as well.

11) Restricting Beauty Products

Narcissists often seek to control their partner's appearance by restricting the use of beauty products. They might criticize and discourage their partner from using makeup or skincare products under the guise of "natural beauty."

This can help them maintain control by undermining their partner's self-esteem.

In some cases, they may even go as far as confiscating or discarding their partner's beauty supplies. Limiting access to these products can be a way to diminish their partner's confidence and independence.

A narcissist may also impose strict rules regarding the use of certain products. For instance, they might allow only specific brands or types of products, making their partner feel trapped and unable to make their own choices.

These controlling behaviors are manipulative tactics that isolate the partner and erode their sense of autonomy.

12) Choosing Outfits for Them

Narcissists may exert control by choosing their partner's outfits. This tactic restricts the partner's freedom to express themselves through clothing.

By selecting what their partner wears, narcissists enforce specific standards that align with their own preferences. This can create dependency and erode the partner’s self-esteem.

Often, the chosen outfits may be for the narcissist's own image enhancement. They want their partner to appear a certain way in social situations, reflecting positively on them.

At other times, the narcissist might criticize their partner's clothing choices to instill self-doubt. This continual critique can make the partner question their own taste and judgment.

Public praise is another tactic. When the narcissist selects an outfit, they might publicly compliment the partner, creating a facade of generosity and attentiveness. This further confuses the partner and others about the narcissist’s true intentions.

Ultimately, this control tactic is another form of manipulation designed to undermine the partner's autonomy and self-worth. It reinforces the narcissist's dominance in the relationship.

13) Forbidding Certain Colors

Narcissists may attempt to control their partner's attire by dictating the colors they’re allowed to wear. This behavior often stems from a desire to control how their partner is perceived by others. By restricting certain colors, they ensure that their partner conforms to their personal preferences or vision.

This tactic serves to diminish the partner's individuality and self-expression. Colors can be a powerful form of personal identity, and forbidding specific hues can erode confidence. It’s a subtle yet effective means of imposing their will on daily life.

In some cases, the narcissist may claim that certain colors don’t suit their partner or make derogatory comments to discourage them from wearing those colors. This can lead to the partner second-guessing their choices and losing trust in their own judgment.

By controlling the colors their partner wears, narcissists further assert their dominance in the relationship. It’s another layer of manipulation that helps maintain the power dynamic in their favor and keeps their partner in a state of dependency and compliance.

Psychological Tactics in Appearance Control

Narcissists often use a variety of psychological tactics to manipulate and control their partner's appearance. These tactics commonly include emotional manipulation and gaslighting.

Emotional Manipulation

Narcissists exploit their partner's emotions to control how they look. They may use compliments or insults strategically to achieve their desired outcome. For instance, they might praise their partner excessively when they wear clothes that fit the narcissist's preferences. This creates a conditioning effect, making the partner more likely to dress in that manner to seek approval.

Sometimes, narcissists resort to negative emotional tactics. They may use guilt, shame, or fear to suppress their partner's style choices. For example, claiming that certain outfits make them look unattractive or will attract unwanted attention. This erodes the partner's confidence and makes them second-guess their clothing choices.

By manipulating their partner's emotions, narcissists create a controlled environment where the partner feels the need to adhere to the narcissist's standards of appearance.

Gaslighting and Denial

Gaslighting is another powerful strategy employed by narcissists. They frequently deny past criticisms or compliments about their partner's appearance, causing confusion and self-doubt. For instance, they might criticize their partner's outfit one day and deny having done so later, making the partner question their memory and perception.

In some cases, narcissists may exaggerate or fabricate flaws in their partner's appearance. This can lead to the partner feeling insecure and seeking validation from the narcissist, thus becoming more susceptible to their control.

The constant denial and manipulation distort the partner's sense of reality. They start doubting their own judgment and rely more on the narcissist's views on their appearance. This tactic ensures the partner remains dependent and easy to control regarding how they present themselves.

Impact on Self-Esteem and Mental Health

When narcissists exert control over their partner’s appearance, it deeply affects self-esteem and mental health. Such control can lead to significant insecurities and create an unhealthy dependence on the narcissist.

Development of Insecurities

Narcissists often criticize their partner's appearance, aiming to make them feel inadequate. This persistent critique erodes self-esteem, making individuals question their worth based on their looks. For instance, being told that they must lose weight or change their style to be “acceptable” can instill a lasting sense of inadequacy.

Over time, these partners internalize the narcissist’s negative judgments. The constant need for approval becomes ingrained, leading to a diminished self-image. Being subjected to such scrutiny makes it difficult for the individual to appreciate their unique attributes or feel confident.

Furthermore, the unpredictability of a narcissist's approval can create heightened anxiety. This instability means partners are always second-guessing themselves, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt. By undermining their partner's self-confidence, narcissists effectively ensure that their partner remains insecure and more reliant on external validation.

Increased Dependence on Narcissist

Manipulating appearance also increases a partner’s dependence on the narcissist. Victims may start to believe that their narcissist partner’s opinions are paramount, sidelining their own preferences and self-expression. This dynamic reinforces the narcissist’s control, as their partner’s self-worth becomes tied to the narcissist's approval.

As trust in their judgment wanes, individuals find themselves seeking constant affirmation from the narcissist. The narcissist’s approval becomes the sole benchmark for their partner’s appearance choices. This dependence diminishes personal autonomy and makes it harder for victims to make independent decisions.

Moreover, this dependence can lead to social isolation. Partners may feel embarrassed or unworthy around others, further pushing them into the narcissist’s orbit. This isolation amplifies the emotional grip the narcissist has, leaving the partner without external support or perspectives.

By controlling their partner’s appearance, narcissists create an environment where their partner’s identity and self-worth are progressively undermined, fostering a cycle of dependency and diminished self-esteem. This manipulation disrupts the individual's mental health, making it challenging to break free from the narcissist’s influence.

Recognizing and Resisting Control Tactics

Understanding how to recognize and resist control tactics is essential for maintaining personal autonomy and dignity. Effective strategies include building awareness of these tactics and seeking professional support.

Building Awareness

Building awareness is the first step in countering narcissistic control. Narcissists often use subtle methods like manipulating clothing choices or criticizing appearance to undermine self-confidence. For instance, they might insist on selecting a partner's attire for social events, masking control under the guise of preference.

Victims should look for consistent patterns, such as undue attention to minor "flaws" or frequent comparisons to others. Journaling daily interactions can help in identifying these tactics. Discussing these experiences with trustworthy friends can also provide external perspectives.

Recognizing these behaviors involves understanding tactics like emotional manipulation and gaslighting. Emotional appeals, fear, and guilt can be powerful tools for a narcissist, making the victim doubt their own choices. By acknowledging and documenting these instances, the victim can begin to see the control clearly.

Seeking Professional Help

Professional help is crucial when dealing with narcissistic behavior. Therapists specializing in narcissistic abuse can offer tailored strategies and supportive environments. They can help the victim understand the psychological underpinnings of the control tactics.

Counselors can guide victims through assertiveness training, fostering confidence to resist manipulative behaviors. This training includes techniques to set boundaries and reinforce personal decisions without guilt or fear. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is another effective method for changing negative thought patterns instilled by a narcissist.

Support groups provide a community of people with similar experiences, reducing feelings of isolation. These groups can share practical advice and offer strength through shared stories, helping victims understand they are not alone. Through professional guidance and communal support, it becomes easier to reclaim control over personal appearance and choices.