How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself!
Self-sabotage – what happens when we become our own worst enemy? Self-sabotage has many faces. Some you can recognize immediately, some need a little time and finesse to be unmasked as instruments of self-sabotage, such as always blaming others, putting things off unnecessarily, or giving in to the temptation to stalk our exes on social media. All too often, self-sabotage is a loyal sidekick that accompanies each of us through large segments of our lives. The problem is, its origins lie in a time when such behavior was decidedly useful and helpful to us, such as when we were coping with a difficult childhood, toxic relationships, or other life crises. However, when we cannot let go of these compensatory actions even in good times, they often turn against us. When our sidekick becomes our enemy, when we can no longer achieve our goals, or we realize we are standing in our own way, it's time to declare war on these unattractive habits.
1. Recognize Your Behavior Patterns
You have to know a problem to avoid a problem – so ask yourself: What are the behavioral patterns that are running you into an invisible wall? What do you do when you're sad, disappointed, frustrated or lonely? Do you tend to eat as if there were no tomorrow? Do you reach for alcohol and drugs even though you know the negative consequences? Do you run away when things get tough, or always blame others when things don't go well for you? These are all tried and true strategies that you've adopted at some point in your life, and they worked well for you at the time. Now things have changed, and you don't really need them anymore. However, as we all know, nothing is as hard as getting rid of long-practiced habits.
2. Talk about it
If you keep noticing that you tend to behave in ways that seem obstructive or strange, talk about it with someone around you. People we trust can also be trusted with our vulnerabilities. They will not judge us, but will support us to the best of their knowledge and belief. Maybe they've noticed that when you're stressed, you go buy ice cream or order the party pizza for five. Maybe they already know your fallback tactics, the veteran battle strategies that would command respect from Napoleon himself when the going gets tough. Your family might even kindly point out that you used to do the same thing as a kid when you were struggling with bullying or bad grades. And friends, as you know, are people you can think out loud in front of.
3. What are the triggers that set off the behavior?
Try to consciously document your behavior in the near future. When do you go to the refrigerator? What happened immediately before or on that day? When do you go into hiding from the world and don't let anyone or anything get to you? In what situations is it convenient if to just blame someone else? Over time, you'll find that it's always similar conditions that provoke the same actions from you. Go ahead and make notes about it. Writing it down is half the therapy, or at least that's how you'll successfully define your problem. After all, naming the problem is a good part of the battle.
4. Try to cope with failure
Hearing the exercise from the last point, a light might have gone off for you: The situations that spur you on to your undesirable behaviors involve some form of failure and setback. If you've had a perfect day filled with a sense of accomplishment, you don't need to spend the evening eating the entire contents of the refrigerator to call it a day. If you completed a project or a to-do list successfully, no one else has to be blamed. As a rule, we like to take credit ourselves, whereas we need to learn to see failures as a part of life, something we learn from, to continue growing. In the future, try to look at failures as free lessons in personal development and find healthy ways to deal with them. Even if exercise or a walk in the woods can't compare to ice cream or pizza, in the long run you'll be grateful to yourself for fighting those demons. Plus, it's infinitely more enjoyable when a dessert is really just an indulgent moment and no longer a mental crutch for you.
5. Figure out what you really want
Some of our trained behaviors are like Band-Aids meant to close a wound. In principle, this works very well, but who wants to run around with a huge band-aid for the rest of their life? Tear it off and look at the wound you've been carrying around for so long. Are you lonely, do you want to change careers? Do you feel trapped in an unhealthy relationship, or are there other commitments in your life that demand all the emotional support you can get? This point is certainly difficult and painful, but in any case, it's worth getting to the bottom of what's bothering you. The sad truth is that such ghosts of the past will never disappear by themselves. You nurture them far too well with your sabotage behavior.
6. Seek professional help
If all methods of self-help are useless, seek professional help. In these Internet times, this does not necessarily mean that you have to go to a therapist or psychologist on the couch – you can seek out fellow sufferers who exchange information in anonymous forums or perhaps even meet in real life in the form of guided self-help groups. You'll be amazed at how many people struggle with the same annoying patterns and trained actions on a daily basis. Remember, though, that it is fundamentally not good for our ego to compare ourselves with others. You can be sure that your problems are not unique, not a new exotic disease that has never been researched, but that’s where comparison should stop. Exchange ideas and get tips – that's what the community is for. Last but not least, talk therapy or counseling with a mental coach, life coach, or psychologist doesn't hurt and can really help you when nothing else will.
Today’s Conclusion
What works one time won’t always. It’s actually a good sign that your compensatory actions and behaviors from earlier days are no longer working. This shows that your current life situation has clearly changed for the better and that you no longer have any need for self-sabotage in all its forms. Unfortunately, it is often not only the habits you have grown fond of, but also automatic reactions that are difficult to bring under control. That said, it’s definitely worth a try. If you feel uncomfortable with your sabotage strategies, it is for the simple reason that they are no longer good for you. Shoes that don't fit you, you eventually sort out because they pinch and cause you pain, and life is definitely too short for pain. That's it for today.